Q&A with the LovingYou.com Love Expert

What if your sex drive is much more demanding than your spouse's?
Loren

Isn't it interesting how ladies are often very uncomfortable with wanting more sex than the guy does, but when guys want more sex than their partner, it seems perfectly natural? We have a cultural prejudice that men should be the sexual initiators. Maybe the prejudice is wrong, maybe it's right -- I can't say -- but it's something we all have to deal with.

So, in some ways, the worst thing you could do is complain about not getting enough sex, or nagging him for it, or making him feel that his sex drive is weak. That triggers all sorts of negatives in a man's mind and will not lead to more sex.

Instead, it helps to truly understand what has worked the best for you two in your sex life in the past. What were your best sexual experiences - what happened? How did it start? What did you do during sex? How could you re-create some of that magic?

Also: you really need to understand what he likes most in bed, and whether there are things that he still wishes for that you haven't tried together. Most people have secret desires they've never communicated to anybody. If you find his, your sex life will explode.


What is the best way to deal with jealousy? I've been told in past relationships that I am too jealous, but I can't ignore the feelings when my girlfriend is hanging out with other guys or paying attention to her guy friends in front of me. I trust her, but it seriously drives me crazy and I always start a fight.
Joel N.

Joel, is this the first time you've had a girlfriend who aggravates your jealous nature? You may want to ask yourself: when you get jealous, what does she get? Does she get to feel more wanted and desired by you? Does she get a fight? Does she get your full attention?

I say this because men grossly underestimate the amount of attention that is desired by their girlfriends and wives. And when they don't get good attention (passionate interest, conversation, sharing, intimacy) they will sometimes ask for bad attention (setting up fights or jealousies).

I take it that you're a pretty intense person. So here's the plan: take time every day to give your woman 15 minutes of your pure intensity - whether it's your uninterrupted attention, compliments, companionship, conversation, or 15 minutes worth of sweet come-ons. Make sure the attention is affectionate and fun. My guess is that she knows what an intense person you are, so if you are not giving her any of your intensity, she's not getting the real you. Give her this blast of your full attention and see how she responds.


My boyfriend is starting to get jittery now that his friends are getting married, getting engaged, and starting their families. I'm fine with the way things are now, but he's all of a sudden very stressed, and I think this is the reason why. I do want to marry him eventually, but there's no pressure on my end and hasn't ever been. I think he's just feeling that he's approaching his mid-30s and needs to fit a certain mold of a man that age. I've told him to relax about it, but what I say isn't working. What else can I do?
L. Conney, BocaRidge

It may be that your offhand, casual approach to your commitment is making him nervous. Do you think he's worried you're not that into him? Or that you're not the commitment type? Sounds like he may need a little reassurance. So if you're not ready to commit, try paying him a compliment once in a while: let him know that he is marriage material, that he's going to be a great dad someday, that he's a quality man. And again: watch his response. If that makes him tense, ease off. If he looks excited or relaxed by that, you know you're saying something meaningful.

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