About the Love Expert:
Mark Peysha
Mark Peysha is the co-author, with Cloe Madanes and Tony Robbins, of the Ultimate Relationship Program. Mark has written and directed more than 30 films and programs for the Robbins-Madanes Center
for Strategic Intervention, an organization that creates programs to help create outstanding passionate relationships. Mark holds a master's degree from Harvard University. He has been married to
his wife, Magali, for 15 years and has five children.
Your love questions answered:
I want to take more "me time" in my relationship, but I don't want to hurt my partner's
feelings by asking for that. How do I ask for and take time alone in a relationship, feel good about it, and help my partner feel good about it too?
Lila, Mew Mexico
Lila, here are some questions to ask: what does "you time" mean to you? Total isolation on a
mountaintop? Working quietly in a separate room? A silent activity side by side? How long do you need?
Everyone needs "me" time... it comes down to how you need it and how you ask for it. But here's a tip for creating "me" time that doesn't hurt his (or your) feelings:
When you come back from "me" time, reward him by being extra present and affectionate! Give him a payoff! If he's just given you space you need and want, pay him back by being radiant when he
finally gets you back. He will understand that "me time" is not a rejection of him. He will start associating pleasure with your "me" time... who knows, he may even start giving it to you!
What should I do if I want more out of the relationship than he does? Should I break up
with him and move on, or should I wait and see what happens and if he comes around? We've discussed things openly and he has said that he's not sure he will ever get married. I want more than that,
although I'm not in a rush.
Help please! – Sara
Tough one, Sara. Couples need to be able to talk about the future, but it seems like some guys will
never feel "ready."
I would want to know much more about you in order to answer your questions, but here's a rule of thumb: do you enjoy each other (both of you?) How often are both of you happy? How do you feel when
you're together? The way the two of you are together is the core of your relationship. If that's healthy and good, then all sorts of things are possible in the future.
On the other hand, if your conversations about the future become excuses for him to get sullen, tense, or disconnected, then you need to wonder whether the "future" question isn't reflective of
bigger issues between you. Make sense?
I have started going out with – literally – the girl next door. We were friends
a couple of months before we started spending a lot of time together. Things are beginning to escalate physically, but now that I have real feelings for her, I feel insecure. I know her and I would
have a great relationship. How could I get past this insecure feeling and let this relationship grow and flourish?
Charles, #109
Sounds like an exciting time, Charles. Totally understand being nervous about going to the next
level.
Here's a three step plan for dealing with that:
1. Get your energy out physically. If you're feeling anxious, nervous, or jittery, take a walk or a jog. I'm not talking heavy exercise, just enough to get the extra energy out.
Get in that habit and your energy will be more steady when you're with her, and you'll be a more reassuring presence for her.
2. Remember that the most important part about taking your physical relationship to the next level is communication and making her feel special. Guys tend to always overfocus on
their "performance" and in doing that forget about the other person!
3. Become a detective about her. Figure out what lights her up. Watch to see whether she responds more to words or a look from you or physical touch or beautiful things visually,
surprises, gifts. Try each of those and feel out her reaction. The more you know about the little things that cause pleasure, the more confident you'll be that you know how to satisfy her. That's
how you really get confident in your relationship.
Next page: Our Love Expert answers more reader questions about love & sex!
